On Skepticism Concerning the Oxford Comma

Last Updated: October-2019

Mark Roulo

1. The "Oxford comma" is clearly from Oxford, England
   It is probably worth mentioning that there are several other names for this grammatical construction, two of which are the "serial comma" and the "Harvard comma." A better name, clearly, would be the "subversive comma," but the battle lines are drawn using the term Oxford comma. So ...
   
   
2. Oxford is part of Oxbridge and ...
   
   
3. Cambridge is where the Soviet Union went to recruit spies
   The "Cambridge Five" are not the name of a music group such as the "Kingston Trio," "Tom Gurl Four" or the "Jackson Five" (please note the lack of a subversive comma!).
   
   The Cambridge Five are the name of a pinko-commie group of Soviet spies. Oxford is believe to have been infiltrated, too, though the Oxford spies may have been more talented and avoided detection. Though not entirely ... Arthur Wynn was at Oxford when he was recruiting spies to work for the Soviet Union.
   
   But ... it leaves open the high probability that the Oxford comma is part of a Soviet plot left over from the cold war. Probably pushed by sleeper agents who were just a bit too clever and announced their affiliation by using the term "Oxford comma" rather than the more pedestrian "serial comma."
   
   It is probably worth noting that Alger Hiss, another Soviet spy, graduated from Harvard law school in 1929. The fact that another name for the Oxford comma is the Harvard comma is unlikely to be a coincidence ...
   
   
4. Additionally, Oxford is in England and England is on the Metric System
   It is well known that the metric system is a commie plot to disrupt the US economy. Wrenches will fail to work, recipes that call for 1/3 a cup of anything will be un-cookable, heating ovens to 400 degrees F will be impossible (because 400 F is 204.4444... C).
   
   These seem like heavy costs to pay to reduce a tiny bit of grammatical uncertainty that can be eliminated by restructuring the word order!
   
   
5. Restructuring Word Order is American!
   In fact, restructuring word order to clarify meaning in sentences is American!
   
   Un-American languages, such as German — Karl Marx's native language! — have inflections. English (mostly) does not.
   
   Using word order to be precise is American. Adding extraneous punctuation is not.
   
   
6. Extraneous Punctuation is Un-American!
   In fact, traditional American frugality, such as that encouraged by Poor Richard's Almanac, is opposed to gratuitously wasting punctuation (or anything else). This is the sort of conspicuous consumption one would expect from an aristocratic orientation such as one finds at Oxford. Or Harvard.
   
   The "Missouri comma" isn't a thing because honest mid-west farmers would never even think of wasting a comma.
   
   
7. The (non-commie) British know Better
   It is finally worth noting that the non-commie British know better. The Economist magazine style guide recommends against the Oxford comma.
   
   And, possibly realizing the risk of discovery, the University of Oxford Public Affairs Directorate Writing and Style Guide does too! Even Oxford doesn't want to advertise its communist/metric affiliation via the Oxford comma to the general public!