When I Am Benevolent Dictator for Life

By Mark Roulo

Last Updated: 9-Feb-2020

Sports

College Basketball

College Football

• Regular Season Games Shall Be Played On Saturday
  It seems amazing that my subjects require this to be explicitly spelled out, but Friday night is for high school football, Saturday is for college and Sunday is for the NFL. No D-1 non-bowl college football games shall be played on any day other than Saturday.
  
  
• Bowl Games
  Excluding bowl games between teams of players from many schools (e.g. the Senior Bowl and the East-West Shrine Game) there shall be only 12 bowl games. These 12 bowl games shall include:
  
  
  • The Rose Bowl, which shall be between the winners of the Pac-12 and Big-10 conferences
  • The Orange Bowl
  • The Cotton Bowl, which shall include the winner of the SEC
  • The Sugar Bowl, which shall include one, and only one, SEC team
  
  The four games above shall be played on Jan 1. No other bowl games shall be played on Jan 1 and no bowl games (again, except games such as the Senior Bowl) shall be played after these bowl games. These bowl games end the college football season.
  
  These games shall be named as above. They shall not have the names of sponsors included in their names. So no "Mercedes-Benz Hertz Interstate Asphalt Sugar Bowl." Just "The Sugar Bowl."
  
  Two more bowl games shall be:
  
  
  • The Bahamas Bowl
  • The Cheez-it Bowl
  
  The Bahamas Bowl shall be played in the Bahamas and shall feature two deserving non-Power 5 teams.
  
  The Cheez-it Bowl may be played anywhere and shall include the two teams with 5-7 records or better that the bowl committee believes will make for the worst game possible that year.
  
  With the exception of the Cheez-it Bowl, no team with fewer than 8 wins or more than 4 losses may participate in a bowl game. If a conference winner has fewer than 8 wins, that conference winner is in-eligible for bowl play (Cheez-it Bowl Bowl excepted) and an appropriate adjustment shall be made.
  
  The remaining six bowl games can be played wherever desired, but as with the four New Year's Day bowls cannot have a sponsor's name appear in the bowl name.
  
  The NCAA is encouraged to hold a bowl game in Hawai'i.
  
  
• No Championship Game
  There shall be no designated championship game. This is college. We don't need a unanimous national champion.

NFL Football

• NFL Football Shall Be Played on Sundays and Monday Night, Only
  Thursday night football is an abomination.
  
  There shall be only one Monday night football game per week.
  
  Christmas is for time with family, so a reasonable schedule adjustment may be made if Christmas falls on a Sunday. That reasonable schedule adjustment will be to start the season one week earlier on those years in which Christmas falls on a Sunday.
  
  
• Players, Except for the Quarterback, Must Play Both Ways
  Non-injury substitution shall only be permitted after every pair of possessions (e.g. team A has the ball. Then team B gets the ball. Then each team is permitted to substitute after the next change of possession).
  
  I care deeply about my subjects' health and feel that this will make the game safer as it will encourage players with more endurance and thus most likely with less mass.
  
  
• Player Contracts Must Be Described Accurately
  NFL contracts are woefully mis-characterized. Most NFL five year contracts, as an example, are not five year contracts, but instead are a one-year contract with four team options. Additionally, only money guaranteed AT SIGNING may be described as guaranteed.
  
  Failure to accurately describe player contracts will be met with fines initially and then with the death penalty in individual cases if journalists, teams, agents, bloggers persist in mis-characterizing them.
  
  
• Fix the Bye Week
  I support the idea of a bye week as it gives players some time-off to rest and heal up.
  
  A bye week in the 4th week of the season, however, is mostly useless.
  
  The bye weeks shall be weeks 10 and 11. Each conference shall take its bye week on the same week. Only conference games shall be scheduled on weeks 10, 11, and 12. This gives every team a rest week slightly more than ½ way through the season and avoids having a team with two weeks of rest play a team with only one week of rest.
  
  

MLB Baseball

• No Designated Hitter
  No explanation should be necessary.
  
  
• Enforce the Existing Time Limit Between Pitches
  The fans would like to watch the baseball game, not watch the pitcher pace around the mound.
  
  
• No More than 90 Seconds Between Inning Halves
  The fans would like to watch the baseball game, not watch commercials for potentially fatal heart drugs.
  
  
• Batter Must Keep One Foot in the Batter's Box
  The fans would like to watch the baseball game. We are trying to help the pitcher get the next pitch off.
  
  
• No Interleague Play
  Houston can go back to the National League.
  
  
• Reduce the Regular Season to 150 Games
  
  
• Each Team Shall Play Three Double-Headers
  These must be REAL double headers. The one's where you pay for one game and get to watch two games!
  
  
• Joe Buck
  Joe Buck shall not announce baseball games.
  
  

NHL Hockey

• No Warm Weather Teams
  Against all reason, the NHL has chosen to place hockey teams in such places as Miami and Tampa Bay. Not to mention the middle of a desert in Phoenix, Arizona.
  
  This is an affront to both God and man.
  
  There shall be no NHL hockey teams in warm weather states. Note that this effectively excludes the entire South. This is as it should be. Southern sports fans should be watching Nascar races.
  
  

  Retained Teams: Boston Bruins Buffalo Sabres Detroit Red Wings Montreal Canadiens Ottawa Senators Toronto Maple Leafs Columbus Blue Jackets New Jersey Devils New York Islanders New York Rangers Philadelphia Flyers Pittsburgh Penguins Washington Capitals Chicago Blackhawks Colorado Avalanche Minnesota Wild St. Louis Blues Winnipeg Jets Calgary Flames Edmonton Oilers Vancouver Canucks

  Eliminated Teams: Florida Panthers Tampa Bay Lightning Carolina Hurricanes Dallas Stars Nashville Predators Aanheim Ducks Arizona Coyotes Los Angeles Kings San Jose Sharks Vegas Golden Knights

NBA Basketball

• Update the Season Length
  The NBA season is long and the playoffs feel even longer.
  
  The NBA may address this in one of two ways:
  • Get Even Longer
    Extend the regular season to 8 months while qualifying all teams for the playoffs and extending the playoffs to 5 months. Yes, this will cause the playoffs to intrude into the next season's regular season games, but if the current length of the season is okay then this should be even better. Or,
    
    
  • Shorten
    Cut the regular season to 60 games and only qualify four teams from each conference for the playoffs.
    
    
  Either change is fine.
  
  
• The per-player salary cap shall be removed
  If some team wants to pay LeBron James their entire payroll and have only one player on the team they may do so.

US Soccer

Nascar

• Location of Races in the Top Racing Series
  Races from the highest racing series (over time known as the "Strictly Stock Division", "Grand National Division", "Winston Cup Series" and others) must be held in southern states except for one race at Indianapolis.
  
  
• Grid Girls are Required
  No professional racing without grid girls will be permitted.

Foreign Recommendations

World Cup In A Day

Science

Firearms

• Safety (don't point guns at people, don't clean loaded weapons, etc.)
• Basic knowledge (including the difference between a clip & a magazine, the definition of semi-automatic, and the meaning of the "AR" in AR-15).
• A 500 word essay on which is better: 9mm or .45 cal [9th grade]